I learned a lot about myself as I walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain last month. Ten-hour hikes, often alone, gave me plenty of time to think, sort things out and do some analysis of my life.
I tried not to scrutinize past occurrences. It doesn’t do any good to replay negative events over and over, hoping that the outcomes will change or finding something new to blame. But it is a unique history that belongs only to me that I never want to deny.
In thinking through the decades, I have always wanted to be somewhere in the middle of the pack: never the leader, but also never last. I don’t know why that has always been a comfort zone for me, but I’ve repeated it in both my professional life and personal relationships. I was content to be the bridesmaid for years (and not the bride), and be the secretary of an organization, but not the President. I seemed to feel that hard, dedicated work was more honorable than just contributing little and getting all the glory.
I think part of my intention was to be an example of humility, not grabbing the spotlight on what I had done, but recognizing the accomplishment of others. Out on the Camino, I started to think that this was misguided. Humility isn’t about recognizing the works of others, but instead recognizing how all the works come from God. It is a nuance that is often missed.
I’ve done a disservice in my life in being a “middle-of-the-road”, “blend into the group” type of person.
The last day of the Camino was the most enlightening. I was thrilled with the thought of being able to finish the 73 mile hike and get my Compostela. I’d walked on-and-off with our group until about 11am, and then started walking alone where I got “lost”. I had no idea who was behind me or who was ahead of me, but I knew I had to keep walking.
For awhile I was uneasy that I didn’t know where anyone was. There were other strangers on the path, but no one from my group. I asked myself, “Why am I walking? Am I walking to impress or walking to encourage? What does it mean when I walk alone?
I do walk alone as neither a leader or a follower. My actions and words are not measured in the context of those before me or those behind, but instead they are measured in how they bring glory to God. I need that intention to be more obvious in my everyday life.
It is not important whether I am leading or following others, but instead that I am solely following God’s plan in my life.
The last day on the Camino has changed my life. I no longer make decisions based upon the perception of others, or the social capital that it may bring. Instead, every day is lived in allegiance to doing God’s work as His hands, heart, eyes, and feet on earth.
Blessings, my friend
Agatha