Desperate Women

i was delighted to meet a reader of my book, Chasing My Father, on a recent out-of-town trip. She had a lot of questions about whether the stories are true (they are), but then our conversation turned to a more philosophical question, “Why are so many women desperate for a man, actually any man?”

I knew exactly what she was asking because I’ve heard the question many times in the four years since I’ve been blogging about relationships. Lots of women who have good jobs and take care of children and friends seem to pick disastrous men to be with. The men are underemployed, don’t have a permanent place to live, and have accumulated debt from past unemployment, or delinquent child support. The women are often caring and compassionate and describe their companions as “down on their luck,” a “temporary misfortune,” or “their ex-wife didn’t understand them like I do.” In some cases, it isn’t an ex-wife, but a wife that is lacking.

I hate to admit that I was one of those “desperate women.” I had lots of dates early post-college, but when it came time to get married (twice), I chose men who were underemployed and let them move in with me. I even rationalized how much easier a relationship is when only one person owns property (ugh!).

My new friend asked me, “Are you still that way; are you still a woman who is desperate to have a man in her life even if you have to support him?”

I assured her that when she reads to the end of the book, she’ll find a different “me.” Over time, my insecurities faded as I learned to trust God and put him first in my life. When I started to believe that God really loves me, I didn’t have to have a man to feel appreciated. I now have wonderful close friends, male and female, who have shown me how to choose companions wisely and honor them in relationships, not rescuing the unfortunate, but instead being equally yoked. 

The best thing is that I have learned how to love rather than possess.

I pray that whether female or male, you are not desperate for a human companion. There is nothing but heartbreak that comes from loving the wrong one.


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